Coma White

A friend asked me if I have ADHD.

I now regret even having considered it as it’s scaring me a lot. I’ve been asked this question before. Mainly, it’s because I seem unable to have any one on one conversation for more than a couple of seconds at the time. It’s not that I zone out from the conversation completely, it’s just that other things catch my eye, a painting behind the person I’m talking to, a person walking past, that sort of thing. When I got home I researched ADHD, simply because I realised that with that many people mentioning it, maybe they have a point. I have most (all except one! )  of the symptoms for the predominantly inattentive type.

(Thank you, Wikipedia)

• Be easily distracted, miss details, forget things, and frequently switch from one activity to another ~I am easily distracted. Especially during conversation. Oh! Shiny!
  
• Have difficulty focusing on one thing  ~Unless it’s enjoyable, yes. Anything that I’m not enjoying much, I’ll push to the side for as long as possible.
• Become bored with a task after only a few minutes, unless they are doing something enjoyable  ~Just what I said. If it’s school work I will be taking a break after the first five minutes of starring at it.
• Have difficulty focusing attention on organizing and completing a task or learning something new Organisation. ~My notes are simple piles and stacks. Very efficient until I need to find something.
• Have trouble completing or turning in homework assignments, often losing things (e.g., pencils, toys, assignments) needed to complete tasks or activities ~I always missplace my work sheets. Which is why I love Fronter and teachers who upload stuff.
• Hand flapping ~This I don’t do. No, that’s a lie. Though I don’t flap. I do peace signs, and thumbs up, and waving.

• Not seem to listen when spoken to ~Apparently so, people will ask whether I’m listening or not, when I’m practically focusing all my attention  on them.
• Daydream, become easily confused, and move slowly ~I daydream all the time. It’s what I do.
  
• Have difficulty processing information as quickly and accurately as others ~Accuracy is a point. I like vagueness. Which is why I never was a fan of history.
• Struggle to follow instructions. ~The only one I cannot agree with. Unless the instruction is a complete waste of my time or “jump off that cliff” I’ll most probably follow it.

So, the conclusion is, I guess, that I do have ADD. I’ll leave the “H” out, simply because I’m not very often hyperactive. I’m the lazy kind.  I’ve always thought that procrastinating like I do is what most people do. But at the same time, I rarely seem to get around to being productive before very close to the deadline. (Right now, for instance, I’m procrastinating so that I won’t have to do hw.) So I might assume that if I do have ADD it’s not extremely serious, as it’s never really had any fatal consequences. Though this would explain why it’s taken me so long to learn to drive, amongst many other things.  Moreover, using Wikipedia as the source, ADD and Bipolar can apparently seem to be related in some way. This would make a lot of sense considering my family.

While I figured that me having ADD is not such a great blow, I am, after all, exactly the same person as I was before I realised, (I could have had larger issues than simply daydreaming a lot, procrastinating a lot, and zoning out of conversations a lot.) the fact that I have any sort of mental disability freaks me out a lot. Simply because I know it can get worse. Over dinner just now, my parents mentioned how I must have gotten my creative traits from my mother’s grandmother, simply because neither of them are in the slightest bit creative. Well, though they might not have realised while saying it, the entire female side of my mother’s family is a large cluster of insanity. One of them even killer herself for fuck’s sake.

(Note to self: If you ever do feel such an urge to end it all, write a letter, or a blog or leave a voice message. Do not try to explain it to your niece before doing it.)

Suddenly everything I think and write and do seems much more like hormones and nerve endings than sense and logic and emotion. Suddenly I feel that rather than describing myself as emotional, I should say hormonal.

I’m not going to tell my parents. I see no reason to. Though I guess being diagnosed with ADD would give my extra time during exams, I’m not going to bother. Hopefully, I’ll finish this entry, save it and move on. I’ll know and remember from time to time. Maybe even every day for the next few months, but other than that it won’t affect me much. I might get extra distracted during conversation when realising that I just got distracted…

Honestly though, it just proves the point I’ve been trying to make over the last year. The importance of studying something of interest. When doing art I do not get distracted. I can sit for hours concentrating on something without realising that any time’s passed at all. I can spend hours reading theory and taking notes. More than half the time I spend procrastinating, I spend doing art of some kind.

As to my day, I woke up with a terrible cold. Once I got out of the house I felt a little better, and having coffee down town with some friends was nice. Getting back home was not quite as pleasant, and I’ve hidden in my room ever since. I tried getting into the whole Christmas Spirit, but sort of half-heartedly, and did not succeed.  I’m going to save this now. And come back to it later.

~later~

I was invited out for dinner this evening. A bunch of friends, or class mates. With a bunch of people I’m not a big fan of. So I didn’t go. I feel guilty now.

Dear reader, do me a favour and listen to Guns N’ Roses, now. Whatever prejudices you might have against them are truly bullshit.

So I’m feeling this has become a rather lengthy entry concerning my sanity and such. The conclusion is that if I do have ADD it’s such a big part of me that there is no point doing anything about it. I’m not a suicidal person, just annoyed at those who are/were.

Saturday, which I was dreading, due to the five year anniversary of the Tsunami, has become more of a highlight, as I’m seeing The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus which looks wicked.

I just spent the last couple of hours colouring in leaves. The irony.  My hands are covered in green marker lines.

42

I wish I could convey an emotion to the reader without using words, or pictures, or sound.

~

look at that squiggle. It’s fully charged with the emotion I felt on my way home earlier, something indescribable, yet something everybody must have felt at some point in their lives. It’s the reason I live.

Somewhere Around Nothing

According to WP yesterday was my blog’s busiest day so far, with quite a large number of visitors. I find this thought slightly scary.

I finally got around to start on my hand project, here’s a peek of my sister’s lovely hand covered in plaster. The results were surprisingly awesome.

I did try to do some EE. But I only got so far as to draw on some guidelines to the images I’m using, and realising that my bluetooth driver is a goner and my comp is refusing to update it. Which annoyed me, and I spent quite a while trying to fix it without success.

I decided to watch Being John Malkovich. It was quite a cool film, though I wouldn’t quite classify it as comedy. Had a very awkward sex scene from John Malkovich’s point of view which was painfully long, considering the parents where in the room. It definitely got better towards the end though, which was a bit strange. I bet John Malkovich must have enjoyed that role. He rocks.

I’m tired. Feeling like my serotonin levels are dropping. Had such a great breakfast this morning which ended up as not-quite-an-argument, my family being a bunch of pussies (myself included),  causing a very long tense silence, during which I was studying the honey pot very intently. Simply not a nice start to anyone’s day.

Promising start to a two week long holiday filled with crap and family time and not enough social life, I’d say.

GUAL

So, I’m back from what I though was going to be an awkward Christmas dinner with friends of the family. The reason why I thought it would be awkward was the simple fact that I don’t have much in common with most of them. Anyway, the older brother had brought a couple of friends along. These friends were all crazy nerds with beards working on their Masters in either computer technology or dead languages, or both. And that cheered me up from the start. Had some epic conversations with the lot of them, and then we moved downstairs and played Munchkin. I swear, I could have written an anthropological study on their behaviour. Over the dinner table, they were for most parts extremely awkward. I sort of imagined them all having an alarm going off in their heads screaming “female! female!” -the way they acted indicated so, at least. I felt bad that I was wearing a low cut dress for once. Anyway, as the conversation got started it worked out okay, as long as I refrained from any larger amount of eye contact with either of them. They honestly reminded me of a bunch of apes. It was fairly amusing. Anyway. By the end of the night,  one of the dudes and I had both reached level eight and I had my Sandy Claws which would have beaten him I think, and so I practically beat a gang of geeks at Munchkin (Holidays edition ^^). It made me feel so fucking awesome.  (They used logic while playing it -I played the funniest cards… o.O)

Other than that, not much’s up. Afterall, I posted my last blog about twelve hours ago. Funny how I always blog more the more homework I have to do.

Live And Let Die

So I asked two of my friends for advice last night. Separately. I’ve don’t think I’ve ever really asked friends for advice before. Though this only struck me now. Not real advice on a decision which I was entirely unsure about. Ever before, as I can recall.

Their responses where encouraging. Rather than changing my mind, they just sort of said why not? Why not go for it? Which is what I feel I should have been thinking from the start. It always ends. That’s what gives it value. So why not jump in it? See where it takes me? I’ll give it a go, I think.

I just realised that I apply my concealer in an impressionist manner. This amuses me.

So I’ve been reading up on art theory, especially Renaissance (which I can now spell!) and Baroque compositions.  I got a bit carried away while reading Crash Course in ART and ended up with a long list of artists I feel I ought to mention in my research work book. Aka Sketchbook for us humans lacking IB divinity.  I’m impressed. I’m doing work. Yes, I know it’s art, and it’s not really hardcore anything, but I sat down on the first day of the holidays and leafed through my EE. (which already is a fat thing, and I can still add another thousand words and loads of images- poor rainforest.)

Just wrote a tick list.

Oh jolly, jolly holidays ahead.
(Which is just what I had my ToK presentation on. Christmas is not ahead. Christmas has yet to take place. Until then it is not existent. In any shape or form. And it is definitely not lingering in front of  me. *ignores the chuckling elf hiding in the bushes outside the window*)

Up up and away now. Christmas dinner with people I barely know. I wanna stay at home and watch a film. Or read a book. Or play the guitar. Or listen to music. >.<

Devils and Gods

So I guess we’re all products of our tragedies. Those are the things that really make an impression on us. We simply are not as malleable to positive situations. Eternal pessimists, whatever we say.

A      E         A            D              A
Where has the time gone...it seems to fly so fast
A         A/G#         F#m F#m/E  Hm        D      E
One moment you're having fun, the next its come to pass
A      E         A          D                          A
Days turning to yesteryear, old friends find their own way
   D      D/C#       A   F#m    D        E          A
Until the moment you leave...I wish that you would stay...

             D             E                 A    A/G#   F#m  F#m/E
So here's to you, all our friends, surely we will meet again
             D      E         A
Don't stay away too long this time
               D           E                 A   A/G#   F#m  F#m/E
We'll raise a glass, maybe two And we'll be thinking of you
          D            E                  D     A             E
Until our paths cross again...maybe next time...

A      E           A             D              A
Let's laugh at the memories, and talk all afternoon
A         A/G#     F#m   F#m/E  Hm        D      E
Let's remember the moments that leave us all too soon
A      E            A             D                A
We'll smile at the pictures still lingering in our minds
D      D/C#       A   F#m     D        E       A
When you're reminiscing, then all you need is time...

             D             E                 A    A/G#   F#m  F#m/E
So here's to you, all our friends, surely we will meet again
             D      E         A
Don't stay away too long this time
               D           E                 A   A/G#   F#m  F#m/E
We'll raise a glass, maybe two And we'll be thinking of you
          D            E                  D     A             E
Until our paths cross again...maybe next time...

A        E     A               D               A
Tracing faded photographs, a scrapbooks lonely charm
A       A/G#        F#m      F#m/E     Hm    D        E
Pressed flowers and dreams we had, our fingerprint on time
    A   E         A          D                 A
The 1st moment we ever met, when your eyes met mine...
D      D/C#    A   F#m    D    E    A
I remember the summers of Dandelion Wine..

             D             E                 A    A/G#   F#m  F#m/E
So here's to you, all our friends, surely we will meet again
             D      E         A
Don't stay away too long this time
               D           E                 A   A/G#   F#m  F#m/E
We'll raise a glass, maybe two And we'll be thinking of you
          D            E                  D     A
Until our paths cross again...maybe next time...

             D             E                 A    A/G#   F#m  F#m/E
So here's to you, all our friends, surely we will meet again
             D      E         A
Don't stay away too long this time
               D           E                 A   A/G#   F#m  F#m/E
We'll raise a glass, maybe two And we'll be thinking of you
          D            E                  D     A
Until our paths cross again...maybe next time...

And with that, off to the pub I trot.

Surival Tactics

I got some feedback on my EE today. Constructive feedback. This means that I will be working on it over the holidays. Something which I’ve been trying to prevent all of year two-thousand-and-nine. Anyway, not dwelling on this for the moment, as I have the entire Christmas holiday to do so meant that I had just not enough time to go Christmas shopping before my driving lesson, as planned. It also left me with roughly an hour of time which I planned on spending doing homework. Due to the huge crowd of people at the mall I intended to go to, I went straight to the driving school, as they normally let you wait in a quiet, well lit room with comfy chairs and desks. Unfortunately the school closes early on Thursdays. At this point I had forty minutes to waste and I was starting to notice the minus ten Fucking degrees.

The café at the public pool nearby was also closed. The entire building was locked up. I guess not many people go swimming with minus ten outside. So I went to the local shop to waste time. I managed to drag that out to about five minutes before the cashier gave me funny looks. So I bought a chocolate and left. And so I had half an hour to go. I wandered around the area to stay warm, I walked as quickly as I could, and for once,  did not even build up a flush. Which was exactly what I wanted then -my face having gone numb a while back. (And yes, I can explain how and why this occurred, in precise details, with biological terms, if you’re interested.) I discovered the botanical gardens, all locked up and covered in snow. I felt like I shouldn’t have been there and wondered around for a bit trying to find an exit. I found one tiny side gate after stressing out a little bit.

Anyway. With twenty minutes left, I started considering the survival tactics I’ve been taught over the years, and praised the fact that I had thought of buying chocolate as provisions were running low. Well, anyway, I was tired and starving and felt insanely little and insignificant lost at Tøyen, Oslo, Norway. Now, I’ve been lost in the Brecon Beacons. I’ve been lost in Jotunheimen. I’ve even gotten close to wandering of in the Andes. Honestly, this was just as frustrating. I even started thinking of “Piken med fyrstikkene”. I was so fucking cold. In then end I scrambled into the car and switched up the heat. And then I was expected to drive. I  sucked. But I did have an excuse. Just having survived.

On another note, which was actually why I opened a new post in WP, I find it slightly scary how easily manipulated some guys are. (I’m sure girls are too, but I’ve not experienced this quite as often.) So, here’s the deal. I got stuck on a fully crammed, ready to be served, bus on my way home from driving. I practically ended up sitting on the driver’s lap, so I jumped off as soon as I could. Another nr 20 was just behind, and so I ran for it, and got on just in time. As I jumped on I smiled at the driver, happy to having avoided another ten minutes outside at minus 10 C. The guy was relatively young and had long hair. So what does Cie do? She giggles. I swear it’s instinct, I barely noticed that I’d smiled, giggled and received a wink by the time I found a seat. Nor did I notice that I sat down in the perfect spot for the driver to eye me up  in the rear mirror while waiting for the sardines to reshuffle. So, what do you do? Well, you smile back when you do get eye contact.

At the end of the twenty minute ride, I practically had him around my little finger. And I must confess that during the last couple of minutes I made a little game out of it. Who received a wave and a disappointed smile at the end of the line?

I know it sounds terrible when written like this. But it was amusing. And it really does perk one’s self-confidence.

Watched The Holiday when we got home, to distract my mother. I’ve always hated Jack Black and Cameron Diaz, but honestly, it’s a sweet film.

~later~

Oh my God. After I thought the day had no more exciting events in stock, I got drowned in them.  Well, perhaps not all exciting. But sort of out of the usual. Note to self: Either log on to msn every day, or not at all. Doing it once every month sort of creates a bit of an information flood.  So I had a strange, deep , but great conversation with one friend, and got donated a star by another! xD  I cannot post an image or a direct link and I’m too lazy to go all prnt screen on you now. But it’s pretty. And it’s a star. And I got a certificate in the name of Toast Tiger. xD

Okay. Should really get going. But msn’s sort of keeping me online. Or people without such strict schedules as mine, or in different time zones. I need time turner. Now.  Nor did I get time to proof read even slightly. Well, there you go, darn my grammar to hell.

I Cannot Face This Day, My Guards Are Down

There is a nursery next door. Last night the fire alarm went off. Our neighbours phoned the right people and it shut up after perhaps forty minutes. The fire alarm just went off again.  -_-

This will be a short and boring entry. I think. Had a pointless day at school, apart from a Norwegian P1 where I analysed a poem about cats. The closer I analysed it, the more certain I was that it was all about women. And so my final bit before the conclusion was an analysis of the stanza which was either about the cat’s killing frenzy or a woman having an orgasm. Got to love hardcore poetry analysis. I’m very glad my Norwegian teacher is a woman. If not, I probably would have stayed to the playful kitteh side of it.

Fuck I hate fire alarms.

Other than that.- Not much. My holidays have practically started. Not planning on doing any more work before the holidays anyway, except for EE. If the lady gets around to giving me some feed back in time for me to finish it off tomorrow night. I hope she will.  I have enough work to do over the holidays though. Which is a pain. But I’ll live.

I’ve got a short day tomorrow. Then two hours. Then a driving lesson. I should probably get around to buying Christmas presents for my parents and cards for my friends. I might do that. Though I hate going shopping. On my own. With a school bag.  On a schedule.  ARrrgh. That alarm is still going. >.<

I finished The Year of the Flood. This makes me sad. That book made me happy. It was all happening at the same time as Oryx and Crake. I like. Finally the alarm stopped. ^^

Today, I learnt stuff. I also figured that I’m really terrible at drawing feet.

Epilogue

I’m feeling nervous. I don’t have a reason for feeling nervous. I just am. And paranoid and finickety and tired.  And I have stuff that ought to have been done by now.  So I was browsing through unread books in my room, to check if I have anything happy ignorant blissful romantic but not too romantic. The first book I picked up was a collection of spontaneous abortions. The next book was The Girl With the Pearl Earring- it was it this moment that I came to the conclusion that romance is not an option. Cecilie reading romantic fiction is like -I have no words for it. It’s a shame really. I wish I enjoyed reading romantic literature. I’ve always considered myself a romantic. I just deleted a long rant about my love life, to make this entry a little bit more tolerable to read for anyone, including myself.

The point I was trying to make was that I have yet to come across truly good and romantic literature. Modern literature. Not Shakespeare. He’s special. Nor the superficial Atwood relationships. (Maybe that’s why I love Atwood so much. She’s as honest as any author seems able to be. Her take on inside a woman’s head, might as well have been inside mine, most of the time. So, I might just sit down with my Atwood book which I’ve been reading one page of every day or so over the last couple of months.) Not crappy Notebook literature, where the author might as well be some random farmer who knows nought about social interaction. Not Twilight. Because, duh. Though, now that I’ve mentioned Twilight, I might as well share my point of view. This has been annoying me a little bit lately. I’ve read Twilight. The entire series. I read it over a weekend. The reason why I did not put the book down once I realised that the main character had no personality and that the vampire is just another sparkly dude who’s going to live forever was not because the plot was so engaging. Nor that Edward was described like such a hot creature that I could not stop drooling. I’m not quite sure what I was hoping for. I guess maybe something along the lines of Dracula and Frankenstein. To be honest, once you’ve read those two books, what to read next?  Anne Rice does not do. Interview with the Vampire is simply embarrassing. I would say even more embarrassing than Twilight in it’s own special way.

The point is. After all that. I need some fresh literature. Something that I can read the first page of and think Hell yeah!  Warbreaker is towards the top of this list. Though, Warbreaker was supposed to be the book waiting for me when I get home on the 18th of May. (That’s my final exam) Wait, I mean, maybe 20th, 21st, crawling my way home hungover as hell most probably.  Anyway. As a treat having finished the exams. But that’s in one hundred and fifty two days. That’s a long while for my sanity. Maybe I’ll get it for Christmas. Then I won’t be able to resist. I’ll just have to find another prize.

Did I just write an entire entry on books, mainly books I do not like? I think so. Well, it sort of got my mind of things. Oh, that explains it. Belle & Sebastian was playing in the background all the while. My foul mood and such cheery music was bound to create such a strange creature. I mean entry.

Face The Wall

So here’s the thing with fandom.  This should not come as a surprise or shock to anybody, but anyway.

As a fan, you will never be fully satisfied. Listening to Sonata music today made me feel melancholic. I hope this feeling won’t last. Okay, so as a fan, you might love the concert and be looking forward to perhaps seeing the band after the show. But once having met the awesome deity, you might hope for them to remember you, which is not likely. The only way to get past the strange sense of fanatism would be to become friends (not likely) or get into the pants of one of the band members. Which would ruin the novelty of the music, I would imagine, knowing that they are, after all very much human.

So I woke up ever half an hour or so last night, with a new SA song stuck in my head. It was quite a cool experience actually, though I did not feel even slightly rested come morning.

If  I want to get anywhere here in life I will have to get productive . Less blog, more art.

~hours later~

So I’ve been unable to listen to anything other than SA all day. I’m not sure I like it,well, I do love the music, but I don’t like how everything else suddenly sounds bland. But this will pass, I know. With time. Maybe I’ll start listening more to Stratovarius and Nightwish again. Go back to the good old music taste when ~oh, epic moment in a song *adores*~ the rest of my friends listened to strange stuff that I’d never heard of, Spice Girls and some weird lady called Britney.  It only struck my last night quite how young I was when I started listening to metal. Which is odd. Since all I ever listened to growing up was classical music. And The Eagles, of course. And then, poof, I’m carrying my diskman in it’s own little bag with it’s own little book inside which contained all my favourite cds. Sonata, Nightwish, Startovarius and Hammerfall. In addition to the classic Vanessa Mae and Enya.

So, have not been productive today. I blame it on the bad night’s sleep. Though it was actually a good night’s sleep, just not very resting and refreshing and all that. I have: held my English presentation, nagged Aase to hurry up proof reading my EE (nicely -she just needs a kick in the backside sometimes), written TFF Christmas Cards, walked in the snow, worn a top hat outside in the snow, (It made me look like Jack the Ripper. I felt so hardcore.) played the guitar, a tiny bit, worked in my sketchbook, been hit on by a drunk guy who looked like a fisher man, and listened to SA a lot.

So I feel that any reader and anyone at all who’s spoken with me today must be pretty sick listening to me chat about Sonata by now. Sorry, I’ll try to resist from now on. Though blogging is a nice and pretty harmless vent, I’d say. Okay. I shall change the music for my own sanity.

Satriani. Yum.

Whawhahwa, and so nothing extremely productive got done today. Shame that.

So I ended up chatting with some people on msn, as I figured there was no way I’d manage to do anything productive, and well enough for it to be worth it. And then I watched a documentary with the father about Chinese politics and economy. It was pretty interesting to be completely honest. Which I did not expect.

My brain does seem to have melted during that documentary though. Sleep now.